Meghan Jenkins

I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every hour holy.
I am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.
I want my will, and I want to be with my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
I want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.
I want always to be a mirror that reflects your whole being,
and never to be too blind or too old
to hold your heavy, swaying image.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere do I want to remain folded,
because where I am bent and folded, there I am lie.
And I want my meaning
true for you. I want to describe myself
like a painting that I studied
closely for a long, long time,
like a word I finally understood,
like the pitcher of water I use every day ,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship
that carried me
through the deadliest storm of all.
- Rainer Maria Rilke, "Untitled"

I am sleeping with the enemy.
I am sleeping with the enemy and I am running.
Away or back though, i'm not quite sure.

I get that nervous feeling in my stomach so intense that I simultaneously feel it in my lower arms and in the palms of my hands. I get it often and for no apparent reason. I get it thinking about my past. I get it thinking about my future. I get it listening to songs that remind me of either or both at the same time. I will blame it on my health and not the fact that I'm scared shitless of everything in my life.

ner-vous [nur-vuh s]
-adjective
5. characterized by or attended with acute uneasiness or apprehension: a nervous moment for us all

I think about the sky and how high up something has to be to be in it. Where the air ends and the sky actually begins. I think about how insignificant my "tragedies" have been and how selfish it is of me to still be so sad when there are starving children and people being diagnosed with incurable diseases and mothers losing their sons to a war they think is unfair to begin with. I wonder if it will ever be possible for me to feel truly good enough for someone who meets my standards (that are knowingly set too high), and if so, how long it would last before I got too scared and sabotaged the one thing i've been waiting for my whole life...which will inevitably happen. I think about that few moments between shutting my eyes in a dark room and actually falling asleep.. how it's even possible that so many different thoughts flow through my head at one precise time, and how that few seconds can be both the best and the worst part of my day. Then I think about how much time is wasted on sleep, and how much different the world would be if we didn't need it. I think about adding things to my bucket list as they happen and marking them off instantaneously so that when I die it looks like I was successful in fulfilling a plethora of dreams. It seems to me that reading, "Drink wine under the Eiffel Tower: Check;" & "Roach a spliff in Amsterdam with my closest friend: Check;" sounds better that reading "Find true happiness," with a colon and nothing next to it. I think about all of my days thus far and I wonder if I have already lived the best day of my life (and if so, try to pick out which one it was). I think about the differences between destiny and free will and how it's completely illogical for someone to say they believe in both. I think about what it would be like to be around in millions of years when the sun burns out or what kind of things would happen if the History Channel specials were correct and the world really did end in 2012. Sometimes I even pray.. but when I pray for specific people I feel guilty that others aren't included, so I then ask God to just bless everyone (which is flat out unreasonable) and then give up and end it there. Sometimes I think about how crazy I am for thinking these things and other times I think about how crazy you are for not thinking about them.

I'm sick of just liking people.
I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect.

des∙ti∙ny [des-tuh-nee]
-noun, plural -nies
2. the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.


"His wife had not believed in destiny either, but she had different, less creative reasons: She felt the concept of predestination was lazy. She thought destiny was a mental construction for people who did not want to take responsibility for their own actions; she thought destiny made life too simple. Horace felt destiny made life harder. In a predetermined world, people were like slaves unaware of their enslavement. If not for free will, every human action would be work; every human acheivement would be devoid of meaning, or at least devoid of credit. And that would be acceptable - except that you'd still have to do all the shit that came along with it. . . destiny was a concept that forced you to live a certain kind of life on purpose, even though you were already living that life by accident. And that seemed immoral, not to mention stupid. Why would existence be designed as a redundant system? Destiny made God seem like an unconfident engineer." -Chuck Klosterman "Downtown Owl"

I came home to a beautiful gift from a beautiful person.


Thank you.

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."

It's coming down to nothing more than apathy. I'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears


When is it okay to say, "I miss you" ?

Herein lies the problem:

I think God only answer's the prayers of those who remember to pray when they don't need anything.

I hate, more than anything else, when I find myself being selfish. Selfish with my money, with my possessions, with my time, with my love. I don't need to keep any of these things to myself for happiness, and I certainly don't need to keep them to myself for survival. What am I thinking? 

"It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes...we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones." -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

 "A major fallacy of love is that such exclusive feelings are reserved for one particular person. But is there really such a person? A non-fungable, holy-grail person, a unique snowflake for your tongue?"

I drove home with the sun rising, rehearsing in my head what I'd say to you if I wasn't so emotionally inept.

Flash. 
Give me coward.
Flash.
Give me temperamental.
Flash.
Give me selfish.

"Life is never fair...And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not."
-Oscar Wilde

Dear God,

I just want to make art and be good enough.

Thanks!

Got a charger, no cell phone, I can't call out
Unless it's to cry your name out the open window
To a sky that looks right back and says it's never seen rain
Sometimes, you gotta start clean,
You gotta begin, not begin again.

Night settles, still working on a way to breathe
Dont you go. Don't you go down.
Take a helium taxi home to me


I hope you find the kind of happiness that I feel everyday just exisiting with you.

This weather is beautiful.
Today, I smelled summer for the first time this season.
Something like the mixture of coconut tanning lotion and home made fruit smoothies.
I want more.

"Still too young to fail, too scared to sail away
But one of these days I'll grow old
And I'll grow brave, and I'll go
One of these days"

fam⋅i⋅ly [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee]
-noun

10. a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently live together.




Happy Easter.